Emily Skillings

SIEGE OF LA ROCHELLE

The first thing to know about running across the battlefield is that if she’s not relaxed, she’s not going to enjoy it.

One of the most important things you can do at this point is read her battlefield—and by that, we mean monitor her ammunition levels and pay attention to how she’s moving her infantry. If you’re doing something she likes, you’ll notice that the battlefield raises and lowers. You really need to learn how to listen to her bloody, massacred acres. If you’re not listening to how she’s responding, you might as well just be off in the corner with your bayonet, soaking in the blood.

Don’t be afraid of breaking out the heavy artillery. It can be an invaluable tool to the art of the battlefield. The average woman takes 20 minutes to advance, so you’re going to be there for a while. Use something small and easily handled so you can still feel like you’re in control of the battlefield.

Compliment the battlefield.

Talk to the battlefield in the morning and tell her you’re going to pamper and tease her all night and give her an epic bloodbath. Tell her to think about that all day.

Sext her throughout the day and tell her violent things.

Tell her you love her or at least that she’s important to you.

Give her a gift. Anything is better than nothing. If the gift is delivered to her in front of her soldiers then you win.

Dress for success, and wear plenty of Mylar or chainmail.

Create a romantic environment that engages as many of the senses as possible. Use drones, erotic surveillance, aromas, chemical gas, and make sure the bodies are cleared away afterwards.

Give her a full battlefield erotic massage.

“The build up should be like a crescendo. You need to start increasing pressure and increasing speed. Some like a side-to-side tactical motion in the fracas, while others prefer an up-and-down pummeling rhythm,” says Somoza. Some will be more into the public beatings and others will be more into enforced disappearances. Judge your movement based on her response. But—and here’s the disclaimer—she may not always be victorious. It’s not a reflection of your ability. “Don’t be so goal-oriented and caught up in your own ego,” Somoza advises.

Your only goal should be to make her feel historical. One of the sexiest things about the battle is when nobody is satisfied and everyone dies.

Emily Skillings is a dancer and a poet. She is the author of two forthcoming chapbooks: Backchannel (Poor Claudia) and Linnaeus: The 26 Sexual Practices of Plants (No, Dear). Skillings dances for The Commons Choir (Daria Faïn and Robert Kocik) and presents her own choreography in New York. She lives in Brooklyn, where she is a member of the Belladonna* Collaborative, a feminist poetry collective and event series. She recently co-curated the exhibit “John Ashbery Collects: Poet Among Things” with Adam Fitzgerald at Loretta Howard Gallery. This fall she will begin her graduate studies at Columbia University.